- Will write more and write better; attend the Melbourne Writers’ Festival, sponge their knowledge, apply own wit, churn out best seller and quit Rather-Large-Bank.
- Be more assertive at work – less “umm…I think you are wrong”, but more “you’re completely off the radar”.
- Will do tax return. Very important. Perhaps should be at number 1.
- Procrastinate less. Not everything is like an honours’ year thesis; deadlines are not usually at the end of the year.
- Will stop harbouring affections for men who are already in serious relationships, because despite how perfectly caring and sweet they seem with you, they will still spend Sunday afternoons baking gluten-free banana bread for their gluten-intolerant girlfriends.
- Will stop harmless flirtations with balding divorcees that are bordering on inappropriateness – please, no more “You want a good morning kiss? What do I get in return?” You know what you get in return. A tram full of passengers staring back at you in horror while you talk dirty to your mobile at eight-thirty in the morning.
- Will cook more at home – because a dinner out costs at least twenty bucks, at four times a week is eighty dollars a week, $320 a month and an overly large number a year.
- Will be nicer to people – because it is not very becoming to have topic of conversation constantly stalled at “effing Gold Buttons…so effing stupid”.
- Will be more tolerant of people, be they of different race (please stop the “he’s such a dumb white boy” talk), intelligence (see number 8), and aesthetic value (declarations of “eww” will only get you so far).
- Be more understanding to parents; be more Asian and contribute more to their mortgage repayments because you are the apple of their deluded eyes, please let the delusion continue.
- Keep up the delusional self-confidence. It has been a good year of inflated ego.
- Will be kinder to the boys you’ve turned down in the past. Stop making them the butt of all your jokes, even though they are very funny jokes and are most often only slightly exaggerated.
- Be less concerned if you happen to spend a Friday night alone with just your thoughts and your laptop.
- Will be less messy – it is not very becoming nor efficient having to step over books, clothes and shoes just to move an inch.
- Try to make it to work before
- Write more about your friends. You promised Hermione something about her at Easter. You haven’t delivered. And only one entry on Sparkles? Piss-weak effort. And it’s been a while since we have heard of Pixie, Pooh and Gigglesworth. Embrace the source of your happiness.
- Not everything has to be about the Heartbreaker and the Divorcee. See number 16.
- Will email friends less at work. No wait. Will balance working and emailing with greater efficiency.
- Will try to be less of a whinger. Not everyone needs to know for the umpteenth time how much of an idiot Gold Buttons is at work.
- Will try to limit browsing of celebrity gossip web pages to a minimum – read only the weekly Ted Casablanca “The Awful Truth” column, because knowing exactly how Jennifer found out about Brad and Angelina is not entirely of use to career prospects.
- Engage, maverick, engage. Find that tall, dark, handsome, sensitive but macho, neat but not closet, Asian-ly aware but not suffering from yellow fever, intelligent man. Key notes: no more Heartbreakers, no more Divorcees.
- But not make that a priority. Who are we kidding here? You’re only 24. Still a lot of time to make mistakes.
- Twenty-three was a good year. Don’t forget that.
- Keep list-making to a minimum.
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